Masturgate: The Little Scandal That Couldn’t

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It’s election time and everyone is abuzz with the ostensibly shocking allegation that Jack Layton might have, possibly, received a happy ending at a rub-and-tug 15 years ago.

Let’s let that sink in for a moment: The man might have, possibly, received a handy J from someone other than his wife a decade and a half ago.

That’s the best we can do for a scandal, Canada? My, my. We are a polite lot.

Let’s review the facts of the situation: Jack Layton was found at the Velvet Touch massage parlour with an attendant. The police questioned him and sent him on his way. That’s it. Those are all the facts we know.

Is it entirely credible to believe that Layton didn’t know a place named Velvet Touch was the sort of place a man could get his baser needs met? Probably not. Is it entirely reasonable to castigate him for being Big Bad “John” Layton? Not really. The police at the scene certainly didn’t think there was anything damning enough before them to warrant pressing charges. The police are, presumably, the experts at determining whether a crime has been committed. They didn’t seem to think one had.

So where does that leave Canada? It leaves Canada with one party leader who finds the notion of parliamentary contempt to be laughable, one who could really use a good eyebrow threading and a few charm school lessons, one who might have blown his load in a suspected bawdy house, one who has no relevance outside of Quebec and one who can’t even win a seat in her own riding.

Among such august company, the fledgling scandal of Masturgate doesn’t even stand out.

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Anna Davey

Known for her distinctive colouring and reclusive habits, the wild A. Davey is a species well-adapted to urban environments. A prolific breeder, this species subsists mainly on pho, gin and the internet.

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